“I’m not ready’ is just an easy cop out for all the immature and commitment phobic men trying to get one over on women. Nothing more, nothing less”
For our series about the downside of being in a relationship or in dating, I was initially going to write about a strange encounter I once had with a woman’s shit. But then Skye went ahead and wrote a post at Anchorage Backpage yesterday that prompted a young lady to leave a comment, an excerpt of which I quoted at the top of this post. And that comment inspired me, in a manner of speaking. Frankly, it raised my ire. So now, instead of writing about some of the hilarity that ensues when couples become so comfortable with each other the bathroom door is left open, I’m here writing about a whole other kind of mess.
I must say when I first saw the comment in question I wanted to leave my own comment instructing said female to eat a dick. Why you ask? Not because I haven’t heard or read that kind of shit before, because if you frequent dating/sex/relationship blogs as much as I do you’re bound to step in some. Not just because this particular comment made me angry, nor was it because I have any personal connection to the commenter. No, my eat a dick was pointed directly at her and women who share this sentiment because in my opinion it highlights the single most significant thing women do in relationships with men that suck balls, that cause a whole heap of unnecessary uproar:
They ignore and/or negate anything a man says that doesn’t fit their world view.
First, let me address the “I’m not ready” thing directly. Right or wrong, in our society a lot if not most men are socialized to believe that it is their duty to be able to provide, that being a man is inextricably linked to his financial, career and or social status. Right or wrong, in our society a lot if not most men are socialized (and perhaps biologically driven) to “play the field” before they settle down. So, right or wrong, when a man isn’t confident or comfortable with his financial, career or social status he often hesitates, he may not feel ready to take the plunge. After all, he’s supposed to be able to do things for himself, he’s supposed to be able to do things for his woman and he’s supposed to be able to do things for his family. As for playing the field, I can only definitively speak for myself and the men that I know well, but a lot of us need to have a few spins on the dance floor before we know which partner we want to be with after the ball (frankly, I don’t think that’s all that different for women either).
So ladies, unless you’re a at Fairbanks dating backpages and dating a liar or a cheat or a man who just isn’t in to you, when a man says “I’m not ready”, what he’s saying is he hasn’t achieved the things he needs to in his life that allow him to comfortably make the commitment that he ultimately wants to make. See, what women often perceive as spinning wheels; the hanging with boys, the unwillingness to commit, the chasing skirts, that’s all just window dressing, that’s recreation that he’s engaging in while he handles and pursues the serious business of getting his life in order. And if you can’t understand that, if you’re unwilling to even try to see where the dude is coming from, the problem is not with him. The problem is you.
Women are always talking about how communication is important, about how they just want to hear what their man thinks and feels, about how women are better communicators than men. Bullshit. What way too many women actually mean when they spew this claptrap is
“I want him to think what I think when I think it and tell me what I want to hear when I want to hear it and it would be nice if he speaks to me the way my girlfriends do”.
Wasilla online dating
I’ve lost track of the amount of conversations I’ve had with women where I clearly express what I feel, only to be told that it doesn’t make sense, or what I feel must be wrong. What the f**k? They are MY feelings, it is MY experience, how the f**k can it be wrong? Feelings are feelings. They are not facts. Not necessarily opinions and definitely not truths. So when a dude at Wasilla backpages says that he doesn’t feel ready, regardless of what you perceive ladies, regardless what you perceive an objective truth to be in that case, the answer isn’t to call him immature or commitment phobic. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care for you or that he doesn’t love you (y’know, when I was growing up, my mother, brother and sister made decisions all the time that I didn’t agree with, decisions that I felt were wrong. I would never say it was because they didn’t love me). No, it simply means that he doesn’t…Feel…READY.
This doesn’t mean you’re supposed to hang around indefinitely. No, if a man comes to you with an “I’m not ready”, you have a mature, non-judgmental conversation and then decide for yourself what is right for you. If that means stick around, then stick around. If that means bounce, then bounce. But it sure as hell doesn’t mean you demean his experience by calling him names out of turn.
Here’s what I want you to understand ladies. You aren’t the only ones who have ideas for how your lives will turn out. You aren’t the only ones who have hopes and dreams. You aren’t the only ones whose desires are so deeply ingrained in the fibre of your being you can’t ignore them. In short, it isn’t all about you. Get over yourselves.
In closing I’m going to add that I’m sure I’m going to here a whole lot of shit about this post, whether in the comments or by email or by (especially female) friends who read this blog. I might be called an apologist for immature men worldwide. I might be called a misogynist. I might be called lots of names. I’m also fairly certain that a large portion of the female readers won’t really listen to what I’m saying. They’ll HEAR it but not LISTEN to it. Why am I so sure? Because that’s what too many women do, they don’t listen to what men have to say. So bring it on ladies. I didn’t intend to, but it seems that I ended up talking about women’s shit anyway.